Full Moon Musings

It's a full moon tonight, and I'm feeling a fizzy sensation in my body. Last night, I dreamed I was laboring alone in an unfamiliar hospital. It was like I wasn't me, in a way, like I was experiencing someone else's sensations. I was wearing a hospital gown, and my contractions rushed over me, making me feel high, like that spinning euphoria I used to get when I was a little girl and would turn in circles until I fell down giggling. I think I was laboring by myself, but strangely, in what seemed like the most unfriendly and intrusive laboring environment I could imagine (bright, florescent lights; blinky machines; unfamiliar bed and clothing), the hospital staff left me alone.

I woke before the dream labor reached any conclusion, but the impressions I retain were unforgettable, and possibly important. I've heard labor described by those who's experienced it in much the way it happened in my dream. Maybe it was my body's way of giving me something close to empirical to take with me to labors I attend as a doula.

Much of my time preparing for a labor is spent pouring over research and laboring techniques. When I'm in research mode, I have a hard time switching gears - for example, I can't seem to finish Birthing From Within because I get so distracted by a desire to go back to reading research studies and articles on evidence-based care.

There's something comforting in all of that science-based knowing in a world which demands that I be grounded, realistic, and factual. Sometimes I feel awkward when faced with the draw of something deeper, an intuitive sense which urges me to pay attention, become emotionally expressive and not rely so much upon words and numbers.

This reaction is probably because I was told by all of the people and influences in my life for so many years that my emotions aren't as important as making choices which are grounded in logic. Rein it in, said my culture, my teachers, my parents.

I never stop growing. All of these things, all of the four cardinal directions in which a human grows (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) are always changing as we learn, and we learn constantly. So, I decided not to stress it - if I feel like it's time to grow in an emotional and spiritual direction, to honor the moon and feel a little fizzy, well... Nothin' wrong with that. In fact, I think I'll honor those parts of myself by cross-posting some of my birth poetry, which was featured over at the BirthActivist blog:

Birth Reflections: Clare

Spear