It's a full moon tonight, and I'm feeling a fizzy sensation in my body. Last night, I dreamed I was laboring alone in an unfamiliar hospital. It was like I wasn't me, in a way, like I was experiencing someone else's sensations. I was wearing a hospital gown, and my contractions rushed over me, making me feel high, like that spinning euphoria I used to get when I was a little girl and would turn in circles until I fell down giggling. I think I was laboring by myself, but strangely, in what seemed like the most unfriendly and intrusive laboring environment I could imagine (bright, florescent lights; blinky machines; unfamiliar bed and clothing), the hospital staff left me alone.
I woke before the dream labor reached any conclusion, but the impressions I retain were unforgettable, and possibly important. I've heard labor described by those who's experienced it in much the way it happened in my dream. Maybe it was my body's way of giving me something close to empirical to take with me to labors I attend as a doula.
Much of my time preparing for a labor is spent pouring over research and laboring techniques. When I'm in research mode, I have a hard time switching gears - for example, I can't seem to finish Birthing From Within because I get so distracted by a desire to go back to reading research studies and articles on evidence-based care.
There's something comforting in all of that science-based knowing in a world which demands that I be grounded, realistic, and factual. Sometimes I feel awkward when faced with the draw of something deeper, an intuitive sense which urges me to pay attention, become emotionally expressive and not rely so much upon words and numbers.
This reaction is probably because I was told by all of the people and influences in my life for so many years that my emotions aren't as important as making choices which are grounded in logic. Rein it in, said my culture, my teachers, my parents.
I never stop growing. All of these things, all of the four cardinal directions in which a human grows (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) are always changing as we learn, and we learn constantly. So, I decided not to stress it - if I feel like it's time to grow in an emotional and spiritual direction, to honor the moon and feel a little fizzy, well... Nothin' wrong with that. In fact, I think I'll honor those parts of myself by cross-posting some of my birth poetry, which was featured over at the BirthActivist blog:
Birth Reflections: Clare
Spear
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Security
Birthing Beautiful Ideas recently posted a transcribed copy of a "patient safety update" sent to all patients at an OB practice in her area. The letter focused on VBAC, and essentially served as a notice to that practice's patients that VBAC was not an option offered by some of the practice's providers.
BBI was concerned about the flawed information being sent to those patient about the safety of VBAC. I can't blame her. Read her explanation and you'll see.
For the better part of last year, I found myself thinking about the mothers who choose to allow someone else to control their birth experience. I was baffled. Why are some moms more at ease in a 'technocratic' birth environment, and why are some moms afraid of it? So, I set out to have as many conversations with moms as I could about birth experiences, a sort of informal poll, in an effort to understand their decisions. All of my talks with moms have been interesting and enlightening.
The constant theme in these conversations was this: everyone wants a healthy baby. That may seem like a 'duh' statement of the obvious, but it was actually a very important fact. Remembering this helped me keep their decisions in perspective. Some mothers look back on their birth experience and point out things that could have been better, but as long as their child benefited (or at least, wasn't harmed in any perceivable way), then the choices made were just fine.
Another theme was the way moms returned to the value judgement, 'Does this choice bring me a sense of security?' For some moms, there's a sense of security gained from working with a care provider who calls the shots. I had women express how much they liked their care provider because s/he seemed to always know what was best for her, and following his/her advice resulted in a healthy baby.
A very close friend, whom I consider one of my three heartsisters, discovered recently that she's pregnant again, and is now facing the challenges of deciding whether or not to pursue a VBAC. I'm watching from the sidelines as she's faced with the same situation that's been posed to the patients of the OB practice who wrote that letter, because the provider she used for her last birth has a no-VBACs policy. Her choices are even more limited due to another set of policies followed by nearly all of the care providers in our area which label women of size as high risk mothers. I know she'll weigh her options carefully, but in combination with the level of struggle she believes she can endure to get what she wants, these policies may cause her to choose an elective repeat cesarean.
Dr. Bradley wrote, in Husband Coached Childbirth, about his observations of laboring mammals on the farm where he grew up. Animals need specific things to make them feel safe, and engage in behavior which ensures safety. They often hide in darkened barn stalls, and need to be undisturbed; their instincts tell them that any disruption of the birth process could be an opportunistic predator attacking. For humans, our understanding of what security means can be influenced as much by our personal experiences and the cultural collective from which our experiences stem as by what's written into our genetic code as instinct. And we're social animals who rely upon our interactions with others of our kind in order to function and evolve.
Mothers are put into a unique decision making position by our culture and individual care providers who exist today. Mothers are asked to trust everyone and no one at the same time, to make decisions based on the consensus while appeasing their individual and instinctual needs. What an overwhelming expectation to have to fulfill. Is it any wonder, then, that some mothers find security in placing the safety of themselves and their child in the hands of something or someone else?
I understand that sometimes, the decision is more about what is safest than what seems safest. No one can argue with a choice made to save a life or prevent irreversible harm, especially one which is made in an emergency situation. That being said, in cases where the research evidence says that certain options are reasonable and should be available to mothers, it's concerning that care providers will not support their patient's decision. If you read the evidence report from the recent NIH VBAC conference, it's clear that the risks of cesarean section (which is a major abdominal surgery) are higher than the risk of uterine rupture during a VBAC attempt.
I have so many other thoughts about this, I may have to do another post.
BBI was concerned about the flawed information being sent to those patient about the safety of VBAC. I can't blame her. Read her explanation and you'll see.
For the better part of last year, I found myself thinking about the mothers who choose to allow someone else to control their birth experience. I was baffled. Why are some moms more at ease in a 'technocratic' birth environment, and why are some moms afraid of it? So, I set out to have as many conversations with moms as I could about birth experiences, a sort of informal poll, in an effort to understand their decisions. All of my talks with moms have been interesting and enlightening.
The constant theme in these conversations was this: everyone wants a healthy baby. That may seem like a 'duh' statement of the obvious, but it was actually a very important fact. Remembering this helped me keep their decisions in perspective. Some mothers look back on their birth experience and point out things that could have been better, but as long as their child benefited (or at least, wasn't harmed in any perceivable way), then the choices made were just fine.
Another theme was the way moms returned to the value judgement, 'Does this choice bring me a sense of security?' For some moms, there's a sense of security gained from working with a care provider who calls the shots. I had women express how much they liked their care provider because s/he seemed to always know what was best for her, and following his/her advice resulted in a healthy baby.
A very close friend, whom I consider one of my three heartsisters, discovered recently that she's pregnant again, and is now facing the challenges of deciding whether or not to pursue a VBAC. I'm watching from the sidelines as she's faced with the same situation that's been posed to the patients of the OB practice who wrote that letter, because the provider she used for her last birth has a no-VBACs policy. Her choices are even more limited due to another set of policies followed by nearly all of the care providers in our area which label women of size as high risk mothers. I know she'll weigh her options carefully, but in combination with the level of struggle she believes she can endure to get what she wants, these policies may cause her to choose an elective repeat cesarean.
Dr. Bradley wrote, in Husband Coached Childbirth, about his observations of laboring mammals on the farm where he grew up. Animals need specific things to make them feel safe, and engage in behavior which ensures safety. They often hide in darkened barn stalls, and need to be undisturbed; their instincts tell them that any disruption of the birth process could be an opportunistic predator attacking. For humans, our understanding of what security means can be influenced as much by our personal experiences and the cultural collective from which our experiences stem as by what's written into our genetic code as instinct. And we're social animals who rely upon our interactions with others of our kind in order to function and evolve.
Mothers are put into a unique decision making position by our culture and individual care providers who exist today. Mothers are asked to trust everyone and no one at the same time, to make decisions based on the consensus while appeasing their individual and instinctual needs. What an overwhelming expectation to have to fulfill. Is it any wonder, then, that some mothers find security in placing the safety of themselves and their child in the hands of something or someone else?
I understand that sometimes, the decision is more about what is safest than what seems safest. No one can argue with a choice made to save a life or prevent irreversible harm, especially one which is made in an emergency situation. That being said, in cases where the research evidence says that certain options are reasonable and should be available to mothers, it's concerning that care providers will not support their patient's decision. If you read the evidence report from the recent NIH VBAC conference, it's clear that the risks of cesarean section (which is a major abdominal surgery) are higher than the risk of uterine rupture during a VBAC attempt.
I have so many other thoughts about this, I may have to do another post.
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